Exceptionally Uncaught

Microsoft’s Answer to Open Source

Microsoft is worried by Open Source. More worried then they’d like you to believe. Why would people pay the hundreds of dollars for their products, deal with the annoying copy protection and put up with the bugs if they didn’t have to? Microsoft believes that within the next five years, Linux will be more stable and secure, better looking, easier to use and more popular than Windows. Other than government and business contracts that haven’t expired yet, Windows market share will be virtually non existent.

Their normal avenues of attack have served them well in the past. They gave IE away for free and convinced everyone that it was an essential part of windows, all but killing Netscape. They convinced everyone that Macs were silly children’s toys, while still managing to force most Mac users they needed to buy Office. They added a calendar to Outlook and told us that made it better than Eudora. And they “bought out” the Internet King, thus stopping us from taking advantage of the Homer’s amazing product.

But a new enemy needs new tactics. Microsoft views Linux as a disease (a “computer disease” if you will), and there are three steps to counter an epidemic.

Stage 1 - Stopping the Vector

With a disease this wide spread, Microsoft reasons, it’s useless to try to cure it while there are so many carries still out there. Think of the monkey from the movie Outbreak, except this time there are thousands of them, all across the world. While Microsoft still hopes it can rehabilitate/cure the minor developers, they know there are many who are to far gone.

Some time over the next six months, all of the key players in the Linux community will be invited to Microsoft HQ in Seattle with lures of job offers, hardware promises and white flags. Once there, they will be taken into a specially built free standing building - referred to as the “Detonator” by Microsoft employees in the know. After all Microsoft-loyal individuals have been moved to a save distance, the building will be exploded.

Stage Two - Isolating the Infected

Once the vectors have been removed, Microsoft will move onto stage two. For years Microsoft has been establishing “collection centres” around the world. These collection centres will be activated, and a bounty will be offered for every PC with Linux installed. Individuals will be encouraged to convince their friends to hand over their computers. Prizes will be offered to citizens who round up the most penguin boxes.

The surrendered computers will all be shipped back to the United States, where their hard drives will be erased by an electromagnetic field. Once wiped, the computers will be inoculated (see below), refurbished with the latest version of Windows and donated to schools and disadvantaged groups around the world.

All Linux development and distribution companies that have survived the purge will be bought entirely by Microsoft and disbanded. Through the use of partner companies, subsidiaries and free agents, enough work will be generated for any individual expressing an interest in Open Source to keep them too busy to pursue the idea until they loose interest.

Stage Three - Inoculating the Survivors

The inoculation plan has two fronts. First, the various Microsoft applications are being adjusted to detect open source applications. Internet Explorer will not allow open source code to download. Windows will not read any Linux CD. Outlook will carefully ignore any email sent by Thunderbird. If it hasn’t been created by Microsoft or one of their “partners”, it won’t exist for a Windows user.

The second prong of the inoculation will target the hardware manufactures around the world. After 2008, the majority of all hardware produced will be physically incapable of running Linux. Warranties will contain disclaimers that installing non-Windows operating systems may cause catastrophic failures. Several instances of people being killed or serious injured while attempting to set up Linux will be well publicised around the world.

By 2010 the UN will announce that Linux has been eradicated from the world, except for two computers held by the US government for “research purposes”.